Thursday, September 18, 2014

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     I used to get angry. Really angry. I used to hurt people.



     It was stupid. It was always so stupid, and I knew that. There was a better choice than anger - I just never made it.

     That made me feel so ashamed.


     I was angry at other people all the time; I was angry at myself just as much. I would hurt them. I would hurt me.

     Coming to terms with that was hard. It was embarrassing. It was so, so awkward.


     Most of the time I just got so tired of it. It was exhausting. It was exhausting to always be angry at others, exhausting to be angry at myself, exhausting to always be asking myself why I couldn't make the better choice. I would just give up and stop thinking about it, until the next time.

     I was going to just keep on hurting.


     At a certain point, though, I realized it was that, more than anything else, that made me tired. I was tired of being the one who brought pain.

     That was when I saw two paths stretching out before me. I could stay as I was: drained, sad, and angry, yes, but the interim was easy. In the interim, I didn't loathe who I was. In the interim, I didn't feel ashamed. In the interim, I didn't have to go through the pain of making myself better.

     Or, I could make the harder choice. I could put the well-being of others first. It would be hard. It would hurt, maybe a lot, maybe all the time. It would make me challenge what I was, who I was; It would make me face the fact that I had to be better.

     And it would certainly be embarrassing.


     But maybe - just maybe - I wouldn't be so tired all the time. Maybe, after I aired it out, I wouldn't feel so ashamed anymore.

     Maybe I'd stop being so angry.


     It's been seven years since I chose between those paths. I've stumbled - hell, I've fallen flat on my face - but I've never looked back.

     A number of people want to know why I chose the persona I did. Why Sato, the least wacky character in a show about wacky characters?

     What I want to know is: How could I not?

4 comments:

  1. I'm surprised to find that someone as kind as you once dealt with this issue, though I've struggled with anger in the past (and still sometimes do), so I totally get you. Lovely post!

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    1. Haha, it's definitely been a journey to get to where I am now.

      Glad to hear you enjoyed it, Charles.

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  2. I'm left open-mouthed... Probably not having watched Working didn't help. But that doesn't matter. I want to give you a big hug. And to tell you I'm happy for you and that you should be proud of yourself for what you've achieved.

    I hope that you've found ways of keeping the balance. As a once overly kind and obedient child, I can say that although not hurting others is important, not letting yourself getting taken advantage of and drawing your boundaries is equally important :D

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    1. Well thanks. :)

      It's definitely a process, and I'm always learning - but I think I've got a pretty decent set of personal guidelines at this point, so I'm not too worried.

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